My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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