That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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