I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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