chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
