the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
