He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
