Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
