yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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