if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk is not a location!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
