call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
pray to the hookup gods
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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