My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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