My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
