I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
