I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
