she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just took my morning after pill in the library
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
