Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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