the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
