i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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