shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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