In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
