If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
