dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
