dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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