i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
