So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
