my vag is so smooth its legendary
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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