C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
