I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
