then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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