Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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