dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
