And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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