I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You're like the curious george of whores
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
