I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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