There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
