happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
