tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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