what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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