Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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