i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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