WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
