Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
