My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
