Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
