Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
