I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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