ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
