I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
