I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
