she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
