I think I died a long time ago.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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